Twilight Film Parody
by Abbetrix Lystrange
Summary: Join in on an epic adventure with me poking just a teensy bit of fun at the Twilight Film! Rated T for naughty, naughty language!
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I truly do love Twilight and the movie, but... I just HAD to make a parody. It's like suddenly looking at something extremely shiny... and having a great need to touch it, even though I can't, but then touching it anyways. It's me thinking "OMG! FUN!" and then contemplating in my head "Well, but I _should_ work on my 15 page History Essay Instead.... But... I'm gonna write this. Yeah."

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything Twilight

* * *

_**  
TWILIGHT MOVIE PARODY**_

**THE MOVIE:** Is running in theatres and starts out with really sweet mountain logo thingy with fog and trees and eerie music.

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** Are freaking out.

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** Are thinking it might actually, possibly be pretty good.

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** Oh god. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here.

**ButcheredBELLA:** I'd never given much thought to how I would die....

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS and ME:** OMG! That's right from the book! Maybe they won't screw it up!

**CAMERA: ** Is now in the woods, filming a nice deer drinking in a nice spring.

**NORMAL PEOPLE: **Er... well, cute deer then. Point is?

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "A _deer?_ WTF?"

**CAMERA:** _-Starts to chase thy deer.-_

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS and ME:** "Oh, I bet this is _Edward _chasing the deer!"

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Er... is a vamp gonna eat the deer?"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "Kill me now."

**DEER:** _-Gets caught by vampy.-_

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** Totally saw that coming

---  
--

**CAMERA:**_**-**__Flashes to bright blue sky and Bella, holding a cute wittle cactus.-_

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** Wait... what? What is the cactus for? Where are we now?

**ButcheredBELLA:** "...... I would miss my loving, erratic, harebrained mother, yo...cluck, cluck, cluck....."

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "Okay, we get that you miss stuff."

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** Are confused "Er.... where are we now? Where did the forest go?"

_Car pulls out of the driveway._

_Music plays._

_Car drives._

_Plane leaves and CAMERA shows desert and landscape. Then flys up into desert rocky mountain with wind rushing sounds, then fades to foggy, cloudy, tree covered mountain with Title during perfect music timing: "Twilight"_

**Me (Who judges everything she sees when books are turned into movies and is always going "WRONG WRONG! WRONG! Or freaking out because they did something right):** Wow, that's fucking sweet looking!

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Cool."

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "Ugggggggggg....."

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** ARE FLIPPING OUT!

---  
--

_Police car is driving around and Bella explains a bunch of stuff so that the NORMAL PEOPLE and the GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs know what the hell is going on._

**ButcheredBELLA: **** "**My dad's effin Charlie, he's police Chief."

**Me:** "OMFG! He's PERFECT for Charlie!"

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "OMFG! He's PERFECT for Charlie!"

**My Mom:** _-Wolf whistles-_ "Charlie is _hot._"

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** _-Drives and looks all awkward, but is nice and tries to make pleasant conversation-_ "Your hairs longer."

**ButcheredBELLA: ** "I cut it since last time I saw you." _Translation: Fuck of dad._

**AwkwardCHARLIE: ** _-EPICALLY FAILS at trying to connect-_ "Guess it grew out again."

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** _WOW!!! OMFG!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE FORKS!_

**Me:** _Yes, It does look like Forks.... hmmm..... nice house, yes.... but WAIT. ITS TOO BIG!!! What does a small, two-bedroom house mean to them?_

**AwkwardCHARLIE: ** "Cleared some shelves off in the bathroom."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "DAMMIT CHARLIE!!! ONLY ONE BATHROOM!!!!" _-Punches Charlie for not building another bathroom for her_

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Wow, Bella's kind of a bitch."

Talk, talk, talk about nice lamps and the colour purple and how Charlie doesn't hover....

TALK, TALK, TALK

**BILLYwheelieCowboy:** "Oh, I'm still dancing. I'm glad you're finally here, Charlie hasn't shut up about it since you told him you were _**cum**__in'_. HAH! Ya geddit, Bella?!"

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** OMG! BILLY AND JACOB!!!!!

**Me:** _Hmmmm...._ _I like the cowboy hat, he is actually perfect looking for Billy! And they put him in a wheelchair! Fabulous. And that truck is perfect. But, oh look, what is this? WHY ARE THEY INTRODUCING THE TRUCK!?!?!?! THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES! And why is Jacob all funny looking!?!_

_Charlie and Billy go and screw around._

**JACOBthatIsTotalyWrongVersion:** _drools a little at Bella-_ We used to make mud pies when we were little. I know, I am totally not what people pictured me to be like, but the director picked me because I am all famous instead of a GOOD PERSON that WOULD have been a GOOD JACOB! And my hair is supposed to be in a pony tail, also with hint of childish roundness around my chin, and I'm SUPPOSED TO BE FIFTEEN! And I'm not supposed to look EIGHTEEN! Yet....

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** That's _not_ creepy to randomly say to someone.

**ButcheredBELLA:** Is trying to be overly nice and is for some reason not creeped out by Jacob's comment.

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** "So what do ya think?" _-pats truck-_ "Your home_**cum**_in' present. YA GEDDIT BELLA?!?!? HAH!" _-high fives Billy-_

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-Looks at truck- _This?

**Me:** _-Voice is dripping with sarcasm-_ "_No_, not that. The pink unicorn right in front of you."

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** "Just bought it off Billy here. And I never say "I" in front of my sentences. But I have a cute smile while I'm saying this so I can actually get away with it, and Abbie does _not_ have a tiny older man crush on me. NOWAY."

**Me And My Mom:** _drool at Charlie's smile._

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Oh, _come on_, _oh_ my _gosh_, I _suck _at _acting_."

**JACOBthatIsTotalyWrongVersion:** _-Drools at Bella-_

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-Whacks Jacob with truck's door-_

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** LOL! That wazzz funnnyyyy!!!!!

**Me: **_Snickers cruelly._

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Now I'm going to say sorry like I don't even mean it. _Sorry._"

_..... YAK, YAK, YAK... middle aged men trying to be "Down with the kids" YAK, YAK, YAK, mindless chatter about how to work the car that should not even have been put in the movie because it takes up important time that was SUPPOSED to be for, well idk, IMPORTANT STUFF......_

**JACOBwithWeirdWigOnVersion:** "Oh, I go to school on the rez."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Well fudge, well... that's sucks, now I am going to be TOTALLY over dramatic." _-Sighs- "_It would have been nice to know.... _one person_."

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** OMFG. Shoot me now, please.

---  
--

**BELLA'sCAR:** Pulls into parking lot and kids are jerks.

**Me: ** Why are the kids being mean? That didn't happen in the book! She showed up early! And why is the school so big! They are supposed to be a bunch of little buildings... off of the highway!!! GAH!

**Everyone In The Theatre:** _-Shushes me.-_

**TylerDaPIMPVersion:** Nice ride.

**Me:** _-Grumbles that that's not what Tyler is like-_

**BELLA'sCAR:** "Thanks. And since I am _so_ bad at acting, I'm just going to make people wonder if that was sarcastic or not."

**ERIC 3.14:** _-Is being overly helpful.-_ "I'm supposed to be overly helpful, so I am good."

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** That dudes a stalker I bet.

**Me: ** "But.... he's supposed to be 6'3"! With _skin_ problems!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Uh, I'm really kind of a more... '_suffer in silence type.'"_

**Nobody:** in real life would say that to a person that they didn't know.

**ERIC 3.14:** "Hey, baby, yo gonna be in da feature for da paper!"

**Me:** "Paper? _What_ paper?! There's not supposed to be a paper!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "I'm going to start stuttering badly now. But—please, d-don't, no, n-n-no, d-don't...."

---  
--

**ButcheredBELLA:** -_Sucks at volleyball.-_

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** Hah, she sucks.

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "YAY! THEY MADE HER SUCK!!!!"

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** Hah.

**Me:** Hm... they made her suck... this film may have a flicker of hope left.

**Volleyball:** Bounces off of dude's head.

**Dude Hit With Volleyball:** Turns out to be Mike.

**PERFECTmovieVersionOfMIKE:** _-Obviously drools at Bella- _Oh, no, no, it's—that's, you're... uh, Isabella, right?

**Me:** _OMFG! He's the PERFECT MIKE! JUST what I was picturing him as while reading the book, down to the blue eyes! This movie now has a small spark of hope left._

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "OMG! THAT'S MIKE! AHHH!"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "Hah, he looks like a _douche!"_

**Like, Uh-Mah-Gawd!JESSICA:** "Like, Hey, like, you're from, like, Arizona... like.... right?"

**Me:** Hmmm... good Jessica. Perfect personality, she's short like she's supposed to be, even though she doesn't have the wildly curly hair that she does in the book, but okay.

**Like, Oh-Mah-Gawd! JESSICA:** "Like, aren't people from like, Arizona supposed to be like, really like.... tan?"

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-looks down-"Hmm... well, I'm feeling a bit bitchy today._ Yeah, uh, maybe, that's why they kicked me out."

**PERFECTmovieVersionOfMIKE:** _-Drools at Bella some more-_ "HAHAH!!! HAH!! -- OMFG! -- HAH! -- YOU -- ARE ----- _SO_ -- FUNNAY!" _-Clutches at sides and falls to floor laughing so hard-_ "AHAHAHAH!!!! HAHAHAH!!! OMG! SO.... FUNNY!!!!" _-Has trouble breathing- _"YOU'RE -- GOOD! _-Dies of laughter-_

_Bella and Jessica get scared of Mike._

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** This. Is. So. Lammeeee....

**ButcheredBELLA:**_-Tries to wash the invisible window in thin air... or was that supposed to be a wave?-_

_---  
--_

**PERFECTmovieVersionOfMIKE:** -Pulls chair out for Bella and offers burrito to Eric-

**ERIC 3.14:** "Hey, Mikie! You met my home girl Bella!"

**PERFECTmovieVersionOfMIKE: ** "Oh, uh, y-y-your home girl?"

**TylerDaPIMPVersion: **"My girl." _-Kisses Bella on cheek and pulls chair outie from under Mike.-_

_Mike and Tyler play a friendly game of tag._

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "LOL! That's funny!"

**That Part:** Was not all completely pointless, because it does show how all of those guys 'want' Bella. And it shows their 'competition' for her. So... yeah. But still.... MORE IMPORTANT STUFF COULD BE HERE. Like, idk. STUFF FROM THE BOOK.

**ANGELAphotographerVersion:** -Takes picture and Bella freaks out and they all talk about the nonexistent feature for the nonexistent paper-

**Me:**_ Has given up... because Angela is supposed to have light brown hair and eyes, and is supposed to be really tall and, AND what is this talk about a paper! There is NO paper!_

_La, la, la, la, la._

**ButcheredBELLA:**** "**You could always go for the... the eating disorders."

**Like, Oh-Mah-Gawd! JESSICA:** _-looks at her fork like she suspects that it's an alien that might attack her.-_

**ButcheredBELLA:** -Loses interest in the present conversation and looks out the window and she sees....-

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "AHHHH!!!!! IT'S THE FLIPPIN CULLENS!!!!!!!!!"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:**"Damnnnnnnn those girl girls are finnneeeeee!!!!!" _-Sits up in seats and are suddenly interested-_

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Er.... why are they walking all synchronized like that?"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Who are they?"

**Like, Oh-Mah-Gawd! JESSICA:** -Looks around to see if people are listening- "They are uh, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's foster kids, they moved down from Alaska like, and couple of like, years like.... ago.

**ANGELAphotographerVersion:** They, kinda keep to themselves....

**Like, Oh-Mah-Gawd! JESSICA:** They are all effin together! Like OMG! FREAKY!!!

**GlueAMirrorToTheBottomOfAPoolROSALIE and EMMETisEFFINawesome: ** "We are going to walk to thetable. Woo-hoo, even though Bella first saw all of the us already sitting DOWN at their our table in the book AND THEY SCREWED THIS SCENE UP! But, oh well..."

**JASPERinPAINversion and TheNotShortALICEversion:** Start to ballroom dance in the cafeteria.

**ANGELAphotographerVersion:**_-feels horny-_ Maybe they'll adopt me.

**ButcheredBELLA:** -Drools- "Who's _THAT?_"

_Drum role, music gets louder and who comes through the door? Well, look who it is....._

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS: ** EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:**_Facepalms, they have lost their gf's attention now_

_All of the actor's that play the Cullens look at me and form a line for their inspection.... some are shaking, some have beads of sweat dripping on their foreheads. 'Emmet' is crying. Tensions are high._

**Me:**_ Walks with hands behind her back, folded. Stops in front of 'Jasper'-_

**JASPERinPAINversion:**_ -Wipes his brow with hankerchief.-_

**Me:**_ -Looks up closely at him- _"Hmmmm.... good... BUT STOP LOOKING CONSTIPATED!!!!"

**JASPERinPAINversion: **-Sighs in relief- "Thank you, but, I'll try to work on th—"

**Me:** "DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK!?!?!?!?"

**JASPERinPAINversion:** _-Bursts into tears-_

**Me:** _-Moves on to 'Alice' and looks sternly at her.-_

**TheNotShortALICEversion:** _-Shrinks back in fear-_

**Me:** _-freaks out-_ "OMG! YOU ARE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!!! YOU ARE PERFECT!!!"

**TheNotShortALICEversion:** _-Looks at 'Jasper' with a smug expression on her face, and mouths to him "HAH! In your face!"-_

**Me:** "But...."

**TheNotShortALICEversion:** _-Freezes in terror-_

**Me:** ".... You are a _little_ too tall. Alice is 4'10"... tell me Ashley, are _you_ 4'10"?"

**TheNotShortALICEversion:** _-Mumbles quietly-_ "No... but—"

**Me:** "NO EXCUSES!!!"

**TheNotShortALICEversion:** _-Bursts into tears and falls onto floor in fetal position.-_

**Me:** -Walks up to 'Emmet'-

**EMMETisEFFINawesome:** _-Towers over Abbie, who is 4'11", but starts crying harder-_

**Me:** "What are you crying about, Nancy boy? Hmmm.... pretty good. Except that your hair needs to be CURLY!!!!! MAN UP!!!!"

**EMMETisEFFINawesome:** _-faints with a huge thud onto the ground next to, 'Alice' who is still in a fetal position, now muttering to herself abut insane asylums-_

**Me:** _-Passes 'Emmet' with not even a look of pity on her face. And stands in front of 'Rosalie'.-_

**GlueAMirrorToTheBottomOfAPoolROSALIE:** _-Holds breath-_

**Me:** "Almost perfect... except. You have brown roots... let me see, Rosalie is a natural blond. And also, a vampire... do vampire's hair grow in Twilight, Nikki?"

**GlueAMirrorToTheBottomOfAPoolROSALIE:** _-Splutters to reply.-_

**Me:** "No, no, no... I don't want to hear it. Three words, Nikki... ROOT TOUCH UPS!!!!!"

**GlueAMirrorToTheBottomOfAPoolROSALIE:** _-Starts so sob as well.-_

**Me:** -Stands in front of 'Edward'- "Hey Robert... Rob... Robby."

**CROWD:** Is dead silent.

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles: ** _-Gulps- "Um.... hello—"_

**Me:** "Don't speak!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles: ** "AHHHH!!" _-Hides face-_

**Me:** "Okay, you're a good Edward... for now."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "YES!!! HA!!! WOO!" _-Claps and points to Nikki-_ "In your _face_! _WHAT!_"

* * *

I hope you enjoyed it! I will post the next chapter pretty soon. Probably sometime after I finish that stupid paper. Goodbye for now!

-Abbie


	2. Chapter 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, hello there! Long time no see, eh? How longs it been? A few days? Okay, weeks? Alright a couple months . . . fine, half a year. I'm sorry! -shrinks down in fear- I didn't die! It's writers block! Well, anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight and I am not trying to.

* * *

**TWILIGH MOVIE PARODY**  
**CHAPTER TWO **

**PERFECTmovieVersionOfMIKE:** Mr. Molina.

**Mr. Banner—WAIT A SEC? MR. MOLINA! Wtf! WHY DID THEY CHANGE HIS NAME? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHAT THE HELL? Jeeze.: **"MISS. SWANNNN!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-walks in and is smiling - um . . . she is smiling for some reason but is SUPPOSED to be NERVOUS. WHY doesn't she look nervous? Oh, wait I know, because she SUCKS . . . AT . . . ACTING.-_

**Mr. Banner—WAIT A SEC? MR. MOLINA! Wtf! WHY DID THEY CHANGE HIS NAME? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHAT THE HELL? Jeeze.:** BLUBBER BLUBBER!

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-Walks in like she's constipated-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** _-looks emo-like at ButcheredBELLA._

**CAMERA:** Is in slow motion while Bella continuous to walk as if a pineapple is up her butt.

**FAN With Ribbons Attached To It to Show That It Is Blowing:** Blows wind at Bella.

**ButcheredBELLA:** Has wind blown on her. Whoooosh!

**MUSIC:** Guitar like DUN DUN DUN!

**PAPER: **Blows. Whooooosh!

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** _-Looks like he gets a surprise boner . . . oh wait, he smells something bad, because he is plugging his nose. Nice Job thinking that through Rob, plug your nose.-_

**Mr. Banner—WAIT A SEC? MR. MOLINA! Wtf! WHY DID THEY CHANGE HIS NAME? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHAT THE HELL? Jeeze.:** HERE'S YOUR SHIT! NOW GO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!" _–takes a shot of vodka-_

**ButcheredBELLA:** -_Scrambles into seat-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** _-plug plug pluggedy pluggers nose and moves glass thingy of cocaine five inches to her side, just say no Edward, good job-_

**MUSIC:** Still plays guitar DUN DUN DUN thingy.

**ButcheredBELLA: **_-Smells the cocaine in her hair-_ "AHHH YESSS! I NEED ITTT!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**_-Is trying very hard to resist the cocaine and has black eyes- GASP!_

**School bell:** "TIME FOR YOUR NEXT CLASS BITCHES!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** wtf?

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** _-are in an epic struggle to stay conscious-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**_ "GET ME IN A DIFFERENT CLASS!" _

**OldLady(Whose name is & IS SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING A PURPLE T-SHIRT!)-** "Hmmm let me think about – no."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Fine i'll just have to endure it." _-leaves angrily-_

**ButcheredBELLA:**_ Has been dissed. And leaves room._

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Wait, why did she go there in the first place?"

**_DINER SCENE:_**_ We meet an old dude that likes Christmas and we have a nice talk about berry cobbler, yippie._

**WAITRESS:** "YOU'RE SO PRETTYYYYYY BELLLAAA!"_ –twitches-_

_Awkwardness with ketchup._ _. . ._

_. . .  
. . ._

**ButcheredBELLA:**_ "WHERE'S EDWARRRRRDDDDDD! More days passed and things were getting strange because the Cullens are looking at me, so strange - oh wait a second."_

**Me:**"Wait a second . . . are they – eating? WTF! ROSALIE HAS A CARROT IN HER MOUTH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO NO NO NO NO!"

**SCENE:** NIGHTIME: AT construction site thing: Steam everywhere: Mysterious music plays: people are chasing a construction dude. Run chase run, chase run chase, people chasing dude.

**NORMAL PEOPLE: **"Wait are they – raping that dude?"

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "No! They are vampires! Didn't you see them jumping like freakin' awesome like?"

**NORMAL PEOPLE: **"Well yeah but aren't like vampires supposed to be super fast? They wouldn't even need to chase after that guy. He would be dead right away. So what's the point?"

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "Hmmmm . . . good point. Dramatic effect maybe?"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs:** "Oh my god who_ cares_!"

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** _ -comes home in Bella's truck from a nice night at the Strip Club-_

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-slips on ice-_

**ME:** "FINALLY! A clumsy moment! Thank you very much!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-waits for Charlie to help her up since she can't do it herself-_

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** "Are you alright?"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "NO! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

**AwkwardCHARLIE:** "Me put tires on your truck."

**ME:** "You mean – chains? OH WAIT, there's no snow!" _–sits lower in seat and grumbles-_

_**AwkwardCHARLIE:**__ "Yeah, an animal killed a dude."_

_**ButcheredBELLA:**__ "An animal?_

_**ME:**__ "No silly, a ninja pirate."_

_. . ._

ENTER INTO SCIENCE ROOM: BELLA LOOKS AT EDWARD: EDWARD LOOKS AT BELLA, OF COURSE LOOKING EMO: BELLA STROLLS OVER TO THEIR TABLE WITH A DETERMINED EXPRESSION: BELLA SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT EDWARD: EDWARD DOES A TAP DANCE:

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** says "Hello, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself last week, I'm – Edward Cullen. You're Bella."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "No, my name is not Bella, actually - YES IT'S BELLA! I THINK I KNOW MY NAME! SMACK!" _–smacks-_

**Mr. Banner—WAIT A SEC? MR. MOLINA! Wtf! WHY DID THEY CHANGE HIS NAME? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHAT THE HELL? Jeeze.:** "BE THE GOLDEN ONION! YOU ARE THE GOLDEN ONION! I HATE CHILDREN!" _–takes_ huge swig out of rum bottle-

**Jake Sparrow:** _-bursts through the door, runs over to 'Mr. Molina', grabs the bottle of rum from his hands and runs away singing-_ "I've got a bottle of rum! I've got a bottle of rummm! And guess what's inside it! RUM!" _–he takes a drink and does a pirate jig-_

**Mr. Banner—WAIT A SEC? MR. MOLINA! Wtf! WHY DID THEY CHANGE HIS NAME? FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHAT THE HELL? Jeeze.:** _-pulls out pistol from inside of coat, points it at Jack and BOOM! Shoots Jack-_

**Jack Sparrow:**"At least. I had –my rum." -_dies- :'(_

**ME:**_ -wishes that actually happened in the movie-_

**TheCLASS:** _-Continues working like nothing happened-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**"Ladies first?"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "You were gone."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**"No, I wasn't gone – I was just _invisible_."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Prophase."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Anaphase."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Prophase!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "ANAPHASE!"

**ButcheredBELLA: **"PROPHASE!"

_**MoodyEDWARDsparkles: **_"So are you enjoying the rain?

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs**: _-are sleeping, snoring loudly -_

**ButcheredBELLA:**_ "I. Hate. RAIN!"_

**MoodyEDWARDSPARKLES:**_ "Sheesh sorry."_

**ButcheredBELLA: **_-drools-_

_Bella and Edward walk through the hall, they won the golden onion *yippie*: Edward asks Belly Bell stalker worthy questions*_

**ButcheredBELLA:**"Hey did you get contacts?"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles: **"No."

**ButcheredBELLA:**_ -has a blinking seizure thingy- _"Your eyes were like black the last time I saw you and now they're like - golden brown."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**"STALKER!"_ -runs away screaming-_

Bella slams her bag on the hood of her car because she is afraid to go inside it: She looks across the lot at Edward: Edward Looks at Bella:

STARING CONTEST!

Edward wins staring contest.

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-fiddles with bag- Fiddle fiddle._

**VAN:** Whooshes in background, almost hits a car –HONNNKKKK!- and OMG! It is sliding full speed towards ButcheredBELLA!

**Music:** Indiana Jones theme song plays.

Edward dressed in a very festive and colorful spandex superhero outfit, runs over in front of sliding car to Bella. Pushes Bella down, holds other hand out and stops the sliding van. Saving Bella. YIPPIE!

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS: **"YIPPIE"

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Yippie!"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs**: "Yippie." _–Sarcastically-_

**ME:** _-grumbles_- "They forgot to add the part when he lifts the van off of her."

**Everyone In The Theatre:** -_shushes me-_

**ME:** "Meh."

Edward and Bella look at each other.

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-looks confused and freaked as f#$-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Oh s#! . . ."

**ButcheredBELLA:** _-still has her earphones in after all that? Hmmm . . . I wonder what song could be playing.- . . ._

_Hi Barbie  
Hi Ken!  
Do you wanna go for a ride?  
Sure Ken!  
Jump In..._

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
Imagination, life is your creation_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
(uu-oooh-u)_

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs**: "OH MY EFFIN GOD! S#! MOTHER f#$ING WHALE BLUBBER %$# WITH CARAMEL #$& COVERED IN %$#& AT THE $#&! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!" _–all run away to bathroom, dunk heads in toilet and walk calmly back into the theatre-_

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:**_ -runs away-_

**ME:**_ WHY DID HE RUN AWAY? He's supposed to stay!_

Heheh that rhymes.

**PEOPLE:**_ FREAK OUT!_

**The Cullens:**_ -Make funny faces – teehee.-_

**CAMERA:** Shows hospital doors bursting open and out cums _(Ya geddit? HAH! –high fives Billy-), oh right! Out comes AwkwardCHARLIE!_

**AwkwardCHARLIE:**"Bella, you okay?"_ –points at __TylerDaPIMPVersion- "You and I are gonna talk – you okay"_

**ButcheredBELLA:**"Im FINE, Dad."

**TylerDaPIMPVersion:**"I'm sorry, Bella. I tried to stop."_ –is such a sweetie- _

Talk about being killed but not being killed and licenses being kissed goodbye.

Doors burst open again to reveal Doctor Cullen.

**ME:** "Hubba hubba!"

**HARDCORE TWILIGHT FANS:** "AHHHHH! IT'S CARLISLE!"

_**FUN FACT:**_** When I first started to read Twilight, I thought Carlisle's name was pronounced like Car-li-sul, instead of Car-lile. Did you guys think that too or was it just me? xD**

**NORMAL PEOPLE:** "Wow, his hair sure looks weird with his skin."

**ME:** "It's HOT!"

**GUYS THAT HATE TWILIGHT AND ARE BEING FORCED TO GO BY THEIR GFs**: "Uggggghhhhhhhhh . . ." _–bang heads on seats in front of them.-_

**HubbaHubbaCARLISLE:**"I heard the Chief's daughter was in."

_Flash light shinning in eyes, and Bella goes cross-eyed. And Carlisle continues to be hot._

-_  
_**AwkwardCHARLIE:**"CALL YOUR MOTHER!"

**ButcheredBELLA:**"Did you tell her?"

**AwkwardCHARLIE:**_ "_Well, you almost got crushed by a van and went to the hospital, so yeah I told her."

ButcheredBELLA: "Ugh, she's probably just –freaking out . . ."

Well yeah.

Voices arguing and you see Bella eavesdropping on HubbaHubbaCarlisle, RootyROSALIE, and MoodyEDWARDsparkles.

_**English**__** translation to **__**English (Gangsta)**_

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Yo, lemme talk to ya for a minute fo."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Yo wha?"

**ButcheredBELLA: **"Yo how'd ya get ovah meh so fast?" –has another blinking seizure-

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles: **"I waz standin' righ' next to yah, Bewwah."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Nahh, you waz standin' next to ya car, dog. Across dah lot."

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Damn this bitch iz crazy. No I wazz'nt."

**ButcheredBELLA:** "YESH YA WERE!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Bitch you hit yo head, you crazy az f#$!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "But yo stopped dah van! Ya pushed it wit yo hand man!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Whateveh physco. No one will believ' yo!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Damnnnn, I ain't no snitch! I would NEVAH tell!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Damn girl, yeh ain't gonna let dis go are yeh?"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Aw hell nah!"

**MoodyEDWARDsparkles:** "Well I hope ya have a bitch of a time bein' disappointed!"

**ButcheredBELLA:** "Meh"

* * *

Well, there, the second chapter! YIPPIE! I hope this one was okay. I plan on updating more frequently. I have a very bad problem with procrastination. –Smacks forehead repeatedly- Stupid Abbie! Stupid, stupid Abbie! Since it is almost summer break I will be able to write a lot more. YAY! So anyways, goodbye for now!

-Abbie


End file.
